Captured Melody Blog

Archive for September 23rd, 2010

It’s been a long time since I have posted and I really feel the need to get things off my chest about myself and this project. It’s been two years since Captured Melody began, as the story goes… I was working on my thesis film and ran out of funds necessary to complete the project back in April 2008. I remain dedicated to this very day to complete what I have set out to do. But it is now necessary to take another approach to this project and my life. The project has consumed my life so much that I got stunted at doing anything else, first and foremost; being happy on a daily basis. Having the stress over my head to raise $45,000 every day for two years has caused me severe mental pain and anguish. Call it what you may, but it was an obsession. I obsessed so much over the future, questions always ran through my head every breathing moment I had. How am I going to raise $45,000?” “Would making this film would make me successful?” and “How can I keep my cast and crew together?” I had a lot of scattering thoughts that heighted when I was at work as well. Always these thoughts would be about how my film would make me a success by reaching my dream of becoming a successful Hollywood Feature Film director.

The thoughts were debilitating me. I would come home to find Corey working on his projects and being tired out from thinking so much about my future I only wanted to lay in bed. I was so tired of trying to keep on working because I felt like I was pushing a brick wall every day. I was burning myself out even more by trying to go on and seeing no results. I got very frustrated with myself and with Corey whom I lived with and still love. I couldn’t enjoy my life and that also meant that I didn’t make it easy for him to enjoy his at all. I guess that explains why he left and immediately moved in with another girl. It was not like a usual breakup, it was more that I was replaced. I went through a lot of hurt and anger after finding this out, but the breakup wasn’t completely my fault, it’s really no one’s fault. Things change, nothing stays the same. I thought to myself maybe if I did things differently or maybe if I stayed at the 4^th of July party this would have never happened to us. But it only could have been a matter of time before it happened. The reason why I mention Corey is because he has been with me on this project since day one and he has always helped me and cared for me every step of the way finically and emotionally, even when I wasn’t at my best; which was for a majority of our relationship. Since he left I contemplated the thought of dropping the project all together. I thought to myself what was the point?

I was alone now. No one to come home to, no one to hold. My constant thoughts of the project turned into constant thoughts of Corey and his new relationship. I thought about him no longer being on the project, what was I going to do? I realized that I was still consumed with the film and losing pretty much everything that I had any control over including Corey. It was then, that I said that it’s time to give up and let go. Let go of Corey and let go of the film for the time being. I was always focusing on the results of what would happen in the future, it was like I was living out some frustrated fantasy in my head but doing nothing to make it a reality, and for what reasons? My ego had really gotten in the way and it had become necessary for me to take a step back and ask what can I give, what can I do to help others and how can I just enjoy my life for what it is, in the here and now.

I began to research and find out what made me happy; the “who am I” question. I began listening to Deepak Chopra’s Reinventing the Body, Resurrecting the Soul and The Element by Ken Robinson on audible. I wanted find out what was missing from my life besides Corey, cause we he left I still felt the same unhappiness that I have felt for the past years. The breakup really needed to happen in order for me to gain some more clarity about what I was feeling and why I have such a huge desire to prove myself to everyone. In essence I realized that I don’t need to prove anything to anyone. I just really needed to reignite and realign who I was inside. As each day passes I feel like I am getting better. I have come to accept the fact that I don’t need to eat, breath, pray and sleep my film 24-7. I just need to be happy with who I am and enjoy my life. Taking it day by day seems to be the best for me. Even though the relationship in now over, I am still thankful to have had Corey in my life helping me every step of the way till the bitter end. The universe always has a way of working things out for the better.

I looked at an old profile I had on Friendster from 2003 before I graduated from Cal State Fullerton yesterday and I read what I wrote to describe myself, everything clicked all over again. The things that I thought made me happy still make me happy. I love to write music and to sing my heart out, I am working on this now by writing a song and coming to the understanding that it doesn’t need to be perfect to put that song out there. I need to be confident with myself write some lyrics and not care what anyone says about the sound quality of the music or my voice. What matters is that I am happy writing and composing the song. Even though I am writing about my experiences I’m working to not let my ego get to involved and let it come from the soul and my heart.

I think one of the most courageous things you can do is put yourself out there for others to criticize you, one must be strong enough not to let words get to them. I have always felt that this is the reason why I never finished most of my older songs because I was really fearful of what other people might think. All these thoughts are really just excuses in disguise. Excuses holding myself back from fear and rejection. I have no excuse anymore, instead of coming home and lying down, I’ve been laying tracks and working on lyrics and why, because I love it. Music for me is fun, yet extremely challenging, heck I even have two degrees in it; a minor and an AA.

I think my recent inspiration for music came when I felt I was in The Element at the OC street fair, when I stepped on the stage before my friend Mike’s band Blade of Grass was to perform. Just being on the stage with the band, drums, keyboard, guitar and bass made me feel excited again, it was like my heart began to vibrate and I felt at home. I felt The Element that Ken Robinson was talking about, at that point I knew what I had inside me was great potential. Later that evening, I spent time with Mike, his friend Khoi and my friend Lisette and really had a wonderful time talking the night away. I thought to myself I’m so lucky to have these great people around me and I am so blessed.

To sum up the other items from the posting on Friendster were, I love sharks, aquariums and the beach– like always,

I love kitties,

and I love roller-skating. I need to pick up what I liked to do physically again because it made me so happy just skating away to my heart’s content. I used to skate 3-5 times a week at the rink and I was pretty good at it. I even took lessons. Skating is one of the things that makes me in The Element. Why did I stop skating in the first place? I guess that doesn’t matter just as long as I keep doing it.

Nowhere on the list was film making but I did have a note that I wanted to go to graduate school for film followed by an LOL, which I eventually did.I think my goal and my aim with film making now is to really take baby steps to move myself forward. I know what I want to strive for but I don’t have to be consumed with that every waking moment. I want to work on dialogue driven stories with no or little budget. Perhaps I will act in something that I will direct, going against my belief of an actor can’t also be the director theory, but if Mel Gibson, Clint Eastwood and Ben Affleck can do it, so can I. There is really no one that can hold me back only myself. I think one of the hardest things to realize is that filmmaking is really a group endeavor. It takes a lot of people to make things happen and make them look good, but there is a way that I can do this myself or perhaps ask for help when the time is right. I thought of a story idea tonight but will let it simmer if I want to write it down or not.

Ultimately, I need to give Captured Melody a break for the time being due to my health and happiness. I am still leaving the website up and will still be posting more content for the blog in the future, but at this time I really need to work on who I am and how I can be the best person I can be; enjoying my life to the fullest no matter what the outcome might be. Living in the future had me living in constant anxiety, fear and stress. I’m so tired of that and I am in the process of moving on with my life emotionally and physically. After my move I will be in a new place to create new experiences that will help shape and mold me to evolve from the past years of blockage and suffering. For this part of my journey, I must go alone and not keep looking at tomorrow for all my answers. All my answers are already inside of me here today. It’s up to me to not wait and to ACTIVATE.